Losing Lara

Lara gains independence every day.  I think of her now as a small human being more than a child.  She's three and a half.

When I'm not telling her off for shouting/throwing/hitting etc. , Lara and I talk like grown ups.  Like friends.  I could chat for hours with Lara.

When we go out together, Lara likes to walk beside me and the buggy and chats away merrily.  When she holds my hand she thinks of it as a comfort for me, more than for her!  Lara looks so grown up and acts with confidence around me (although I know she has a very shy streak around strangers) and it's easy to forget how young, small and vulnerable she is.

Never more do I feel her vulnerability than when she 'loses' me.  This usually happens in the supermarket.  Lara gets over excited, rushes off to look at something or show me something and then turns round to find that I'm not where she left me.  I'm always there nearby watching her but she doesn't know that and she panics.

When Lara panics I just want to scoop her up and give her the biggest kiss ever.  Her eyes widen and she starts to spin, scanning the area for me.  She stops and in her body language you can see her slump a bit - that confidence subsiding.

It fills me with great fear what would happen should she ever REALLY lose me, or me lose her. Just thinking about it makes my tummy churn and my eyes well.  I realise Lara needs me... she doesn't yet really know what to do without me.  I guess I've got some work to do in terms of teaching her what to do if she did lose me but for now I'll make it my job to keep my beady eye on her and keep dishing out those sloppy kisses and crushing cuddles when she needs me.